the past few days i have been really contemplating the fact that i didn't imagine that i would be living the life that i'm living. i'm not sure what i really mean by that, but let's see where this writing takes me. i wasn't planning on writing about this, but i really think that if i can put into words what my feelings are, it will make more sense to me. if that makes sense. and after discussing this with a few of my co-workers, i realize i'm not alone in the sentiment.
you are probably wondering where this whole thought process came from and there isn't just one thing that brought it up, there are a couple. recently i happened upon a whole new slew of blogs that i've been stalking. i'm not sure how i happened upon them...blog stalking gets messy sometimes...they are all very well written blogs and most of the authors are leading very different lives than those of the people i know and associate with. they even lead very different lives from the authors of the other, or shall we say the original blogs i stalk. i'm not sure why, but i'm intrigued by these differences and it makes me wonder how they ended up in their lives and in turn, i contemplate how i've ended up in my life.
also, it's october...nearing the end...and for the past few years i have these little mini life crises in october. i mean, maybe not so much crises, but i definitely do a lot of soul searching and asking, "what if?," and all that jazz. i suppose it is to be expected, come this time of year and each year it gets a little less dramatic, but it's still there...the life contemplation...the asking how i ended up living the life i'm living.
plus this new plan for school and negotiating all that entails has made me wonder if i'm ready for the next three years. i knew that grad school was on the radar, but i didn't realize it would come so soon. and not that this is soon, but here it is and i'm a little shocked by it. don't get me wrong...i'm very excited and am very much looking forward to the opportunities that will come from getting my master's, but it is the getting it part that is a bit on the scary side for me. weird, i know.
so you add all of these things together and you get my crazy train of thought for the past several days. and while there are very few things i would change about the life that i'm living, i really do play the "what if?" game more than i probably should. and the most obvious "what if?" i ask myself is, "what if i didn't live in logan...where would i live?" and almost always the answer is boston. why? probably because i've been there and i've done that. i know what to expect there but it's so much different than where i am now that it is always my go-to city. and while i would absolutely love to live there again, it clearly isn't where i'm supposed to be. i know that. but i still ask the question...and then all the follow-up questions like, "what if i would have stayed?," "what if i had never lived there?,"...oh-so-many questions...it hurts my brain.
anyway...so, today i decided to run this question by some of my co-workers and all of them answered along the same lines as i do...no, this isn't where i thought i'd be, but it's where i am. i mean, one of them answered my question by saying that she lived on a farm...enough said. i know that we all have these thoughts and feelings. i know i am not alone in this. i am glad that i thought to ask my co-workers/friends today because it definitely helped me to feel not so alone in it all.
but the best advice i got was from a dear co-worker who told me to just live the life i want...make a bucket list and start crossing things off...decide where i want to be and get there...and it's true. so, in the meantime...this is where i want to be. i want to be engaging on this adventure of school. i want to broaden my horizon. and i do want to be in logan. i love logan. and i feel like i need to love it for a few years longer. and while there are sacrifices to be made by staying here, there are adventures to be had. i need to remember that. i can make my life what i want it to be. it's my life. (yes, that is a bon jovi reference. hahaha.) and there are no guarantees. obviously.